Timothy Conley, Ph.D.

When my friends Mount Regis asked me to contribute a little something concerning holiday stress and the recovering alcoholic my initial reaction was “Oh no! Not another diatribe on holiday stress and the recovering alcoholic! Does the internet really need another article on this topic? Has this not already been talked into the slush?”

And I thought “yes, maybe over the years it has... but why? Why does the topic continually resurface every season with the songs and shopping and family visits and the...family! Alcoholics, holidays and families: that I could write about! And parties, and offers of a drink....

The holidays do often bring with them a heightened, somewhat idealized and unrealistic expectation of family closeness for the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic alike. Societal expectation leads to a feeling of pressure to experience family intimacy and ‘tidings of comfort and joy.” While alcoholics do not have the market cornered on dys-functional families, we certainly seem to occupy our share of them. Getting emotional needs met in a dysfunctional family, well, one often doesn’t and that’s one reason why they are called dysfunctional.

For the recovering alcoholic, practicing a program of rigorous self examination allows them the opportunity to bring expectations into alignment with reality. Some family situations have been extremely stressed by the damage of alcoholic drinking and the reality is that healing, if it takes place at all, may take a long time. If an ex-spouse is hateful, they are hateful; if parents or children are unforgiving they are unforgiving - today. A secret hope I have heard voiced by many recovering alcoholics over the years is that “I think things will soften up around the holidays” or “She/he will have to talk to me: it’s Christmas!” Maybe they expect to be let ‘back in’ to the family; maybe it does not happen. Holiday situations often present an opportunity to learn to accept people places and things as they are and not as we would have them even if ‘as they are’ means painful and lonely and ‘as we would have them’ means peaceful and kind. Peace - so often mentioned in this season - comes from acceptance, not from having what we want.

Now, about that drink...

Perhaps one of the biggest challenges of the season, particularly for a recovering alcoholic is the holiday party where alcohol is being served. Here, the temptation to drink socially is at its highest. To see so many others being able to ‘drink and get away with it’ is sometimes painful and distracting. How can the alcoholic be comfortable? Are such events to be avoided? No! There is absolutely no reason to avoid such events at all provided the individual’s recovery is on solid ground and certain precautions are taken. Several have been suggested to me over the years.

1) Don’t go it alone. Try to insure that you are not the only identified recovering alcoholic in the room. There is strength in numbers. Notice by the way that not even everyone who can drink does drink....

2) Have an exit plan. If for some reason you become very uncomfortable, have a way out. This often means having you own transportation or having an understanding party who does. Be prepared to slip away silently and with no excuses. Staying sober needs no excuse...discretion is the better part of recovery.

3) Have a script for saying no. Turning down an offer of a drink is not the cardinal sin so many alcoholics had come to believe it was! Here are some actual scripts used by many of my clients over the years: “What would you like to drink?”

“I would like something soft: do you have Pepsi or coke?” Or “I’m having egg nog thanks!” If your host gestures to the wet-bar and asks “What are you having?” you can reply “I’m on a bit of a juice kick right now, got Orange?” if pressed on the issue of having an alcoholic drink, assume you host means the best - they are looking out for you comfort as a guest - and say “I would be more comfortable with the juice, thank you.” In this way, if they continue to push the alcohol it looks as if they are trying to make you uncomfortable, which is simply rude behavior on their part. Never be afraid to say outright: “I am avoiding alcohol for now, thank you, I would be more comfortable with .....” as you look around for something else to pay attention to. This can be an awkward moment in early recovery but it gets easier with experience.

As active alcoholics many of us would assail or deride non-drinkers and sometimes the greatest holiday party fear is to be singled out as a teetotaling wimp! Consider the source of such derision - it is born of illness on the part of the persecutor - and seek compasion for the fear that drives them to this; they ridicule only themselves. In situations in which the active alcoholics have taken over the show it is best to just quietly exit under any pretense.

What is given away by recovering alcoholics over the winter holidays is the gift of sobriety. Sharing a sober holiday with friends in recovery can be the truest form of companionship and social closeness ever known for many. Marathon A.A. meetings are full of people who are living in an idealized but real community of sharing and love, and with acceptance of life as it is - peace.

Dr. Timothy Conley holds the degree of Masters in Social Work (MSW) and is Certified as an Addiction Specialist (CAS) with the American Academy of Healthcare Providers in the Addictive Disorders. For the past 15 years, Dr. Conley has been a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) and a practicing social work clinician.
In 2001, Dr. Conley received his Ph.D. (Philosophy Doctorate) from Boston College in social work.
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